Denial about dementia is more common than many families realise
When someone is showing signs of memory loss, confusion or changes in behaviour, families often expect the next step to be simple: talk about it, see the GP and get advice.
In real life, it is rarely that straightforward.
A parent may insist they are “just getting older”. A husband may say nothing is wrong. A wife may brush off missed appointments, repeated questions or moments of confusion. An adult child may notice the changes clearly, while the person experiencing them cannot, or does not want to.
This can be upsetting, frustrating and exhausting. Families may feel as though they are the only ones seeing what is happening.
Denial about dementia is not unusual. It can happen for many reasons, including fear, embarrassment, loss of confidence, changes in insight, or a strong wish to keep life feeling normal for as long as possible.
At Ness Care Group, we regularly speak with families in Devon who are in this exact position: worried about memory changes, unsure how to raise the subject and trying to work out what support might help without frightening or upsetting the person they love.
Understanding why denial happens can make it easier to respond calmly and take a more practical next step.
Quick answer: why does denial about dementia happen?
Denial about dementia can happen because memory changes feel frightening, embarrassing or difficult to accept. Some people worry that admitting there is a problem will mean losing independence or control. Others may genuinely not recognise the changes because dementia can affect insight and awareness.
For families, the most helpful response is usually to stay calm, focus on practical changes rather than labels, encourage a GP appointment where possible, and keep the first step towards support small and respectful.
What does denial about dementia mean?
Denial about dementia usually means a person does not accept, acknowledge or talk openly about the memory changes, confusion or difficulties they are experiencing.
This might sound like:
“I’m fine.”
“You’re making a fuss.”
“Everyone forgets things.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“I don’t need help.”
“I’m not going to one of those places.”
For families, this can feel deeply difficult. You may be trying to keep someone safe, supported and independent, while they feel you are criticising them, taking over or making a problem bigger than it is.
It is important to remember that denial is not always stubbornness. Sometimes it is a coping response. Sometimes it is fear. Sometimes the person genuinely cannot recognise the changes in the same way others can.
Why does someone deny dementia symptoms?
There is no single reason why someone may deny dementia symptoms. The reason can vary from person to person, and it may change over time.
Some of the most common reasons include:
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Fear of what dementia might mean
Dementia is a frightening word for many people.
Someone may worry that if they admit there is a problem, everything will change. They may fear losing their independence, their driving licence, their home, their confidence or their role within the family.
They may not say this out loud. Instead, they may avoid the subject completely.
For a spouse or adult child, this can look like denial. Underneath, it may be fear.
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Worry about losing control
Many people delay asking for help because they worry that once dementia is mentioned, decisions will start being made for them.
They may fear being managed, spoken over or treated differently. They may worry that family members will take charge too quickly.
This is why the way conversations are handled matters. A person is more likely to engage when they feel respected, included and still in control of their own choices.
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Embarrassment or shame
Memory problems can feel embarrassing.
For someone who has always been capable, organised and independent, forgetting conversations or struggling with familiar tasks can feel deeply unsettling.
They may try to cover it up, laugh it off or blame tiredness. Not because they are being difficult, but because admitting the problem feels painful.
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Confusion between normal ageing and dementia
Many people genuinely do not know when memory changes should be taken seriously.
It is normal to occasionally forget a name, misplace keys or need a reminder. But memory changes may need advice when they become more frequent, affect everyday life, cause confusion, or reduce confidence.
If you are unsure whether the changes you are noticing are part of normal ageing or something more concerning, our guide to normal ageing and dementia explains the key differences.
Families often notice a pattern before the person does. That can create tension, especially if the person believes the changes are just part of getting older.
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Lack of insight
Sometimes denial is not really denial at all.
Some people living with dementia may have reduced awareness of their own symptoms. This is sometimes described as a lack of insight. They may genuinely not see the changes that are obvious to those around them.
This can be especially hard for families because reasoning and explaining may not work in the way they expect. If someone cannot recognise the difficulty, repeating the evidence may simply lead to more distress or conflict.
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The person may still be functioning well in some areas
Dementia does not affect everything at once.
Someone may still hold a good conversation, remember older memories, make jokes, cook a familiar meal or appear confident in certain settings. This can make it easier for them, or other family members, to dismiss concerns.
A person can have real strengths and still need support with specific areas of memory, planning, confidence or daily routine.
This is where families often get stuck. One person may say, “But Dad seemed fine when I saw him.” Another may be managing repeated questions, missed medication, confusion or anxiety every day.
Why denial can be so hard for families
Denial affects the whole family, not just the person experiencing memory changes.
An adult child may feel anxious, guilty and unsure whether they are overreacting. A spouse may feel lonely, tired and frightened of pushing too hard. Siblings may disagree about what is happening. Everyone may wait for a crisis before acting, because no one wants to be the one who “makes it real”.
This delay is understandable. It is also risky.
When families wait too long, the person may become more isolated, lose confidence, withdraw from social activities or find everyday routines harder to manage. Carers may also become exhausted before support is put in place.
The aim is not to force someone to accept everything at once. The aim is to keep the next step small enough to feel manageable.
What should you do if someone refuses to talk about dementia?
If someone refuses to talk about dementia, it can help to change the focus of the conversation.
Rather than starting with the word dementia, try talking about what is happening day to day.
For example:
“I’ve noticed appointments are becoming harder to keep track of.”
“You seemed less confident going out last week.”
“I wonder if it would help to talk to the GP, just to rule out anything else.”
“You’ve seemed more tired recently. Shall we get that checked?”
This can feel less threatening than saying, “I think you have dementia.”
The first aim is not to win an argument. It is to open a door.
For families who feel stuck, speaking to someone with dementia and cognitive health experience can make the next step feel less overwhelming. Ness Care Group supports families across Devon who are trying to understand memory changes, dementia concerns and what practical support may be appropriate.
How to talk to someone who is in denial about dementia
Choose a calm moment. A conversation about memory concerns is unlikely to go well when someone is tired, embarrassed, anxious or already upset.
Keep the conversation short. Long explanations can feel overwhelming and may make the person defensive.
Use specific examples but avoid presenting evidence. “You asked me the same thing six times” may be true, but it may also feel humiliating. Try something softer, such as, “I’ve noticed keeping track of plans has felt harder recently.”
Focus on support, not loss. The person may be frightened that help means giving up independence. Reframe it as support to keep life as steady, active and familiar as possible.
Avoid arguing about whether they have dementia. If someone has reduced insight, arguing may increase distress without changing their view. It may be more helpful to focus on practical concerns, such as confidence, routine, safety, tiredness or social connection.
Should you speak to a GP if someone denies dementia symptoms?
If you are worried about memory changes in yourself or someone close to you, speaking to a GP is usually the right first step.
Memory problems are not always caused by dementia. They can also be linked to other health issues, medication, mood, sleep, stress or physical illness. A GP can help rule out other possible causes and decide whether further assessment is needed.
If the person refuses to make an appointment, families can still write down examples of what they have noticed. This might include:
- repeated questions
- missed appointments
- confusion about dates or places
- changes in mood or confidence
- difficulty following conversations
- getting lost or anxious in familiar places
- withdrawing from hobbies or social situations
- changes in judgement or everyday decision-making
Keeping notes can help if the person later agrees to seek advice.
Families who want to understand what usually happens next may also find our guide to how dementia is diagnosed in the UK helpful.
What if someone refuses dementia support?
It is very common for someone to resist support at first.
They may worry a group will feel too formal, too clinical or too much like a traditional day centre. They may fear being with people whose needs are very different from their own. They may not want to feel labelled.
This does not mean support will never be accepted. It may mean the first step needs to feel smaller.
Instead of saying, “You need dementia support,” it may help to say:
“Would you like to visit and see what it is like?”
“Shall we just go for a short look around?”
“It might be useful to meet the team and ask a few questions.”
“Let’s see whether it feels right before making any decisions.”
At Ness Care Group, many families begin with a conversation or a visit rather than a firm commitment. This can help the person and their family understand what support looks like, how sessions feel and whether it could be the right fit.
Families often tell us that uncertainty is one of the biggest barriers. Once someone understands that sessions are social, creative and good fun, with specialist thinking behind them, the idea of support can feel less daunting.
Why early support can help
Early support can help people stay socially connected, mentally active and more confident in daily life.
It can also help families feel less alone. Many families are not looking for dramatic answers. They simply want to know what is happening, what might help and how to avoid waiting until everything becomes harder.
Support may include advice, meaningful activity, cognitive stimulation, social connection, routine, family guidance or help understanding what steps to take next.
Ness Care Group provides specialist dementia and cognitive health support through structured sessions designed to support confidence, communication, social connection, routine and independence, with activities that have a clear purpose behind them.
The important point is this: support does not have to mean taking over.
Good dementia support should aim to support independence, dignity and confidence for as long as possible.
You can also read more about early dementia care and what families can expect when support begins.
What if the first session does not go well?
This is something families often worry about.
Someone may attend a first session, come home and say, “I didn’t like it” or “I’m not going back.”
That can feel discouraging, especially if it has taken weeks or months to get them through the door. But a first reaction is not always the final answer.
A new place, new people and a different routine can feel unsettling. It may take a few visits before someone feels safe, included and familiar with the setting.
It is important to listen to the person’s feelings, but it can also help to look at the wider picture. Did they seem settled while they were there? Did they join in at any point? Did they seem more relaxed afterwards? Did staff notice moments of engagement?
Sometimes the feeling of being welcomed, included and understood matters more than whether the person can remember every detail of the session.
How families can reduce conflict
When dementia denial is causing tension, families may need to step back from trying to prove the point.
These approaches can help:
- talk about practical changes rather than labels
- use gentle, specific examples
- avoid arguing about whether the person is “right”
- focus on keeping independence and confidence
- offer choices wherever possible
- keep first steps small
- involve someone the person trusts
- choose calm moments for difficult conversations
- ask for professional advice when you feel stuck
This is not about tricking someone. It is about reducing fear and helping the person feel respected.
When denial becomes a safety concern
Sometimes denial can create real risks.
It may be time to seek advice more urgently if someone is:
- getting lost
- leaving appliances on
- missing medication
- eating poorly
- becoming very anxious or distressed
- having falls
- becoming unsafe when driving
- struggling to manage money
- refusing help when daily life is becoming unsafe
In these situations, families may need support from a GP, adult social care, a memory clinic, or another appropriate professional service.
If there is an immediate risk to safety, seek urgent help.
Dementia denial and carer guilt
For spouses and adult children, denial can bring guilt with it.
You may feel guilty for raising the subject. Guilty for feeling frustrated. Guilty for needing time away. Guilty for wondering whether outside support is needed.
That guilt is common, but it is not always a reliable guide.
Asking for help does not mean you have failed. It can mean you are trying to protect the person’s wellbeing and your own health before the situation reaches crisis point.
A spouse who needs a morning to rest, shop, attend an appointment or sit quietly is not abandoning their partner. An adult child who asks about support is not taking over. Families are allowed to need help too.
Ness Care Group also offers support for families and informal carers, helping people understand dementia, build confidence and feel less alone.
Dementia and memory support in Devon
For families in Devon, local dementia and memory support can make the next step feel less overwhelming. Being able to speak to someone who understands dementia, memory changes and family concerns can help turn a frightening subject into something more manageable.
Ness Care Group provides specialist dementia and cognitive health support in Devon, with Memory Hubs in Exmouth, Chudleigh, Teignmouth and Kingsteignton.
The service supports people living with memory changes, mild cognitive impairment and dementia, as well as families who are unsure what to do next.
Support may include Cognitive Stimulation Therapy, structured group sessions, meaningful activity, social connection, family guidance and practical advice.
For many families, the first step is not committing to regular support. It is simply having a conversation, visiting a hub or understanding what help could look like.
Final thoughts
Denial about dementia can be painful for everyone involved.
For the person experiencing memory changes, it may come from fear, embarrassment or a need to stay in control. For families, it can feel like being stuck between respecting someone’s wishes and worrying about their safety, confidence and quality of life.
The aim is not to force acceptance overnight. The aim is to respond with patience, protect dignity and take small, practical steps towards advice and support.
If you are worried about memory changes, it is sensible to speak to a GP. If you are also trying to understand what support may help day to day, you can talk to Ness Care Group to make sense of the options.
You do not have to wait until things reach crisis point before asking what might help.
Sources used
This article was informed by guidance and information from NHS, Alzheimer’s Society and NICE, alongside Ness Care Group’s experience supporting individuals and families affected by memory changes and dementia.
- NHS: dementia symptoms and diagnosis
- NHS: how to get a dementia diagnosis
- Alzheimer’s Society: denial and lack of insight
- NICE Guideline NG97: dementia assessment, management and support
This article is for general information and should not replace medical advice. If you are worried about memory changes in yourself or someone close to you, speak to a GP.
About the reviewer
Jonathan Hanbury is the Founder and CEO of Ness Care Group. He has a clinical background in nursing and extensive experience in dementia and cognitive health support. His work focuses on helping people living with memory changes stay active, connected and independent for as long as possible, while supporting families with practical advice and reassurance.